Nathan Barley

"Don't dare inconvenience the desk staff by asking for anything. At all. Ever. Their obstanance and militancy sits somewhere between 80's miners, Bob Crowe and BA cabin crew."

"Fast Train Users - recommend eyes down with iphone and blackberry remaining firmly in pocket. Ideally go tooled up."

"Toilet Users / Amateur Flashers - toilet lock is button on the far wall as you go in, not the handle. Please use (or not) as appropriate."

"Middle aged men - arrive just as the train is pulling in. Then walk straight up to the doors elbowing your way through everyone already waiting - best deployed through women with buggies."

"Sausage, egg, bacon baguette + tea 3 quid. Bargain."