Jordan Tank

"The bearded guy on the menu? He's a real person. And his job is better than yours."

"Ya'll need to hide your wife, hide your kids, and hide your husband when Seth comes home from the bar."

"All phones playing music belong in glass drinkware"

"Try a Blueberry Bomber: Blue Moon with a shot of Blueberry Stoli."

"Don't shower too hard, you'll break the ceiling"

"Seriously, leave a tip"