Andy de Vries

"You must try the Enchanted Forest, it is marvellous."

"This is my favourite restaurant in the world bar none. Huge prawns in garlic for tapas, sizzling steak, garlic chips for main... and Jose is your legendary host! Reassuringly expensive. Muy bien."

"Best paella I've ever had, get the 'blind paella' with everything de-shelled. Muy bien. x"

"Frozen food heated up... scum of the port, boycott."

"My dad got food poisoning and mums fish dish looked like sick... totally inedible! RUN AWAY!!"

"Right, somebody please tell me what this is a cover for? Cos it sure as fuck isn't a functioning estate agent!"